Don't Even Ask Me

I've got a bunch of single friends and it seems like all they want to do is meet someone. This is fine. On paper, I look like a decent wingman, but in reality I'm not--especially if it's at a club. In this post, I'll talk about why you shouldn't bother inviting me out if you're going to a club.

Dress Code
You see, I hate clubs. Always have, always will. Anyone who knows me understands that I like getting dressed up, but it's a huge turnoff when someone requires it. For that reason, fuck clubs and their dress code.

Douchebags and Skanks
I hate to generalize, but that's what you get at most clubs. Trust me, some of my "friends" fall in this categories. They order douchy or skanky drinks like Jägerbombs or Red Bull vodkas. What's even worse is the dickhead that orders an Old Fashioned because it looked cool on Mad Men. Enjoy paying $10 and up for your tasty beverage at the club.

Douchebags and skanks at clubs also annoy me with what they wear. Everything is so Goddamn shiny. Douchebags at clubs usually rock the Ed Hardy or Affliction tees to look tough. "Oooh, look at me, I like MMA. I'm tough." Motherfuckers. Don't even get me started on the dick whose brown shoes don't go with his black belt (which he has on the wrong way--another pet hate of mine). Oh, and any asshole wearing pleated khakis to a club in 2011 should be stoned. I take that back, he probably drives a Saturn--that in itself is plenty of punishment.

Skanks will rock fake Louis Vuitton purses and a skimpy outfit they got that afternoon at Forever 21. "Hi, I'll pay $20 to get into this club, but not that much for a top. If all goes well, some douchebag will be taking it off me by the end of the night anyway." I'm not gonna lie, some of them have nice bodies, but most of them don't. Can you say pooch?

For the record, I'ms not a huge fan of a lot of makeup. I know it's a requirement for most women (and some men), but these skanks just take it way too far. I literally could try to drill a screw with a Makita power tool and not even make contact with the skin of some of these women.

Douchebags and skanks generally act a fool up in the club. This annoys the fuck out of me. No, I don't want to see a girl fight, or anyone fight for that matter. I also don't want to see douchebags be creepy with women (or men). I've seen this first hand with my buddies. I think my homegirl, B, will testify to how creepy dudes can be. Here's the thing, if you're making me uncomfortable, how do yo think the chick (or dude) you're hitting on feels? Just sayin'.

Cover Charge
Most clubs charge a cover of anywhere from $10 to over $50 in the shithole we call Vegas. To me this is fucking highway robbery. If you're going somewhere and it's clear your intent is to get sloshed and spend a shit-ton of money on booze, then they should let you in for free.

I feel you actually lose money by charging a cover. You know what the cheap motherfuckers do? They sneak in their own airplane sized bottles of Goose or flasks full on Henn and will order a cranberry juice or a Coke instead of the actual drink. There goes at least $50 for the club. Thank God I didn't grow up in the 70's, where everyone was about clubbing. I woulda fuckin' hated it.

Lack of Diversity
Much like Levar Burton, I'm about all the colors in the rainbow. You don't get that at most clubs.

You've got your all Asian clubs where boyfriends keep their girlfriends close because they they think one of my white buddies will steal them. Even though everyone's Asian, the faces you see are red. Heinekens and Coronas seem to be the drink of choice at places like this.

There's the yuppie white club where everyone's wearing Rugby and the ones who can't afford it are stuck in the 90's wearing Abercrombie & Fitch. Folks here will order Guinness or a scotch they know absolutely nothing about.

There aren't as many Wanksta clubs around. Those places are kind of entertaining. I love spotting the white dude in oversized Sean John gear. It's like Where's Waldo? Look out for folks drinking Hpnotiq or Henn. If I have my eyes on a WOC, I'll go to a Wanksta club. Everyone's in flannels and skinny jeans at the hipster club. Hygiene is also not a priority at those establishments and PBRs are in everyone's hand.

Notice that I didn't bash on Latin clubs because I love your women and have always wanted to learn how to dance salsa. The same goes for gay clubs. They're pretty fun (for a club). You can find condoms and hot, straight women everywhere.

You Missed Out
A typical story from my friends who hit the clubs is: "Dude, you missed out." No I fuckin' didn't. I saw the pictures on Facebook and, dude, that chick you supposedly made out with looks more like like Luis Guzman than Sophia Vergara.

There are a million things I would rather do than hit the club with you dicks. I'd rather catch up on Netflix or watch HBO. The neighborhood pub is a place where the bartenders aren't arrogant pricks and I don't need to take out a loan from the credit union just to have a Jameson. I'd rather stay home and have people over to drink or go to someone's place and have real conversations.

Hell, I can count at least five times from last year alone where I was in a warm bed with a naked woman in her mid twenties instead of creeping up trying to grind a chick from behind like most of my buddies.

Conclusion
This is a very biased piece. Obviously, clubs aren't for me (yes, even strip clubs). It bothers me that friends think they're going to meet the guy, girl or tranny of their dreams at a club. Sorry, probably not gonna happen. I love you as friends, but when it comes to clubs, you can count me out.